Was it Abuse or Just Bad Manners?

Dear Ms. Netiquette,

I was playing CLUE today when a total stranger asked – no, begged – me to gift her the episode I was playing.

I was surprised, so I checked her profile and she has only been a member of POGO for about a month. I sent back a message to the effect that I didn’t know her and because she was a new member, I would do her the favor of not reporting her to Pogo. Her response implied that I was at fault and I would feel better for giving her the gift.

Is this an example of abuse or was it just bad manners? I was quite offended by the request and even more by her response. I was not rude to her, but the incident has upset me a bit and wonder how other people view this kind of incident and how they deal with it.

In Pogo, as in life, giving a gift should be a choice, not an obligation.

Sign me,

If You Have to Ask, the Answer is No

Dear Nettie.

I love your column, and wonder if we could do something a little different today…maybe you could sit back with a cup of tea while I help your readers out a bit?

I have seen many people write to you with questions like “how could someone think I stole their Mini idea on purpose,” or “why would someone think I was another player in disguise,” or “why would someone not say ‘ty’ when I extend them extra time in a game, or when 20 people say ‘gg’ to them”. As a mental health professional, I can tell you that many times, the answer is that the other player has a severe mental illness.

Several mental illnesses can cause paranoia and the feeling that someone is “out to get me”, but the primary one is schizophrenia. Medications don’t always work, and not all schizophrenics have access to them. And, yes, sometimes the voices in their heads really do tell them to stop taking meds.

If someone is making wild, bizarre accusations against you, that person may be clinically paranoid and psychotic, or no longer in touch with reality. Don’t argue with the other person – you will never win. Trying to argue that you didn’t steal their Mini idea is like me trying to argue that the CIA really is not monitoring their thoughts through the television. Just walk away from it. The same if someone starts accusing you of being another player in disguise.

Many schizophrenics have poor social skills, too. They may not realize that they should be saying ‘ty’ for a time extension, or for a lot of praise.

And another whole group of people who don’t get the whole ‘social skills’ thing are people with autism or Asperger syndrome (the latter are often known as Aspies). If you saw the movie ‘Rain Man’, Dustin Hoffman played a man with autism. People with any of these ‘autism spectrum disorders’ really just don’t understand a lot of basic social cues – if you remember the movie, Raymond doesn’t understand that he’s not supposed to walk in on his brother while he’s having sex, and start watching television.

Many Aspies have excellent vocabularies, and may kick butt at Boggle and other word games. But if they win, and 10 people say, ‘gg’, this may not be a clue to them to say ‘ty’. As far as they are concerned, everyone was right – they did play a good game. Why should they say ‘thank you’ for anything? If you give them extra time at Qwerty, they’ll take it, but don’t expect a ‘ty’ then, either.

I’m not saying mental illness is to blame for every seemingly rude person or interaction on Pogo, but with over 2 million schizophrenics in the US alone, and between 1-3 million people with autism spectrum disorders in the US as well, I think it’s a factor in a lot of these interactions. Lonely people spend a lot of time on the computer, and mental illness can be very isolating.

The best thing to do in all these negative interactions on Pogo is just to take a deep breath and let it go. The vast majority of people on Pogo are very pleasant, and most of your dealings with them will be pleasant, too. Remember that no one asks to be born with a severe mental illness, so count your blessings if you don’t have one, and just enjoy Pogo.

Hope you enjoyed your tea, Nettie!

Many thanks,

Dr. T

Hi Ms. Nettie

Good day and thank you for being our voice of reason. You are greatly appreciated.

I would like to comment on the lady who was all upset over one negative comment in her guest book. Yes, most of us do react in similar fashion and for that, shame on us.

One rotten apple and she let all of those positive messages and gifts merely go by the wayside. That is a shameful disservice to all of the positive people who look up and smile. At one time I was as guilty as the next person in that regard. Then I started to wake up.

Now I don’t jump off of the ledge anymore. I follow all of the positive voices who encouraging me to back up, hang on and return through the window that led me to the edge.

Wow, what a great feeling it is to enjoy and float away on the “well done’s”, “congratulations” etc… along with all of the other wonderful support. No more being sucked into another’s dark, dismal, mean world. When we do that, the mean person wins. Do not empower them, my friend. Say a kind thing for them and carry on.

Best wishes to “Rained on” and keep that imagination flowing.

Finally Opened My Umbrella