What Do I Do with a Super-Judgmental Player?

Dear Tired of the Baseless Judgments,Oh, don’t we ALL know someone who just can’t stop themselves from making blanket statements and judgments about things they know so little about? It can be very frustrating to deal with their constant judgments.

In your example of what she said about all Southerners, that’s actually a Terms of Service violation, and you should report her. That’s unacceptable behavior, and she needs to know that it’s not allowed on Pogo.

The fact that she gossips about others makes it very likely that she has gossipped about you. It doesn’t sound like she’s the type of person you want as a friend, and I advise you to not consider her one, and instead mute and block her immediately.

In cases where we run across people who we genuinely like, but on occasion make blanket generalizations or uninformed judgments and aren’t prone to gossip, you’ll have to decide how you want to handle it. On one hand you may be shocked at the generalizations and you may want to correct them so that they may see how ridiculous their statement comes across. On the other hand, you may be hesitant to get into it with them. We’ve all been there. Love the person, hate it when they go off on a rant.

If it were only an occasional statement in cases where you are true friends with the person, you might to openly disagree and explain why, like: “I disagree that all Southerners are only sweet after they’ve had three cups of sweet tea. I’ve met plenty of sweet Southerners who don’t even drink sweet tea.” If said in a kindly fashion, the friend – who frankly should be used arguing with others by now – should see that your intent is not to cause insult or harm, but rather to present an opposing viewpoint.

Of course, if these statements are par for the course with the individual, then unless you enjoy arguing, you might want to just not respond in any way whatsoever. Sometimes just letting a topic go saves everyone involved a lot of headaches.

But, alas, sometimes it really *is* difficult to just let a ridiculous statement sit in the chat while you mouse your way over to the mute. And sometimes it does feel good to let well-meaning, albeit opinionated, people know how you feel about whatever they’ve just said.

To be clear – if someone is being abusive and saying things just to upset an entire room, then they are breaking the Terms of Service, and I suggest reporting them and then muting them. But, if that person is a regular and is known for saying obnoxious things occasionally, then I suggest that you give yourself a little leeway if you feel you absolutely must say something. But do set a boundary for yourself. You don’t want to get entangled in an endless argument and waste precious hours you could be spending trying to get that dang Thousand Island Solitaire badge, so if you feel  you *must* say something, maybe  limit yourself to perhaps three sentences and one “I’ve stated how I feel and I choose not to discuss this any further.”

As for what you say, I’d steer clear of any more “Did God send you a postcard saying you are now in charge of judging?” type questions. Instead, I’d suggest leading by example and simply stating your opinion and why you feel the way you do in a friendly way. It might open that person’s eyes!

Or it might not. In fact, it’s more than likely it won’t.  It’s pretty rare that people change their minds on things, although it can happen, and you may feel better sticking up for whomever that person’s just judged and letting him or her see that there’s at least another side to the story.

Of course, you may also feel better by just putting that person on mute and forgetting about it.

Dear Acting My Age,

Your letter made me laugh out loud. While it’s very unlikely your letter alone will stave off future flirters from using those ridiculous lines, I’m sure it felt kind of good to get that off of your chest!

And, even better, it gave me a great idea for a future column – “Things NOT to Say to Someone on Pogo!”  If you have a list of things you’ve heard and wish you’d never have to hear again on Pogo (or elsewhere on the Internet), send it over to msnetiquette@pogo.com and at sometime in the future, I’ll compile the list and we’ll all have a laugh over it!

Dear Careful With Words,

You are really asking two questions – why do people who have never seen each other outside of Pogo call each other best friends forever (bffs), and why are people so comfortable providing very personal information to strangers.  These are two very different questions!

The first one is easy. Many Pogo players do develop deep and meaningful relationships with their online Pogo buddies. We have a lot of folks who are, for whatever reason, homebound and aren’t able to get out much, if at all. They meet folks on Pogo and they form a bond. There is, no doubt, a huge number of wonderful  friendships formed on Pogo, and those relationships are just as strong online as they would be in the real world. It’s wonderful when people can meet each other in real life, but that’s not always possible. The cost and difficulty of traveling prevents a lot of people from being able to meet their Pogo friends.

Yes, you do hear about the occasional friendship that “goes bad” for whatever reason. But those are the exception and not the rule.  Most people are very careful about how they conduct themselves online and do avoid the pratfalls that those who aren’t careful fall into. Those with online-only “bff”s have likely seen that relationship develop over the course of time, and the bond has grown deeper.

So, my advice on your first question is simply live and let live. If these online “bff”s bother you, mute them and forget about them.

As for your second question, I don’t know why people are so free with their information, unless they really feel that they have nothing to lose by talking about personal things. Still, it can make others uncomfortable, and I strongly urge everyone to keep your private life private and discuss your personal life with those you trust somewhere that is not public.

My advice on the second question is even simpler: as soon as you see they’re providing “too much information”, mute them!