Redeem your 
Hi Ms. Netiquette,
I was wondering if I did okay in this situation as I’m not sure if I was rude or not. If I was rude, I apologize to them.
While playing Bingo Luau today, I hit the “Play Now” button. It took me to a room in which there was only one other person. As soon as I entered, the other person said that because they were there first, I should go. I asked why, as it is an open room. I also asked if there were any problems that might warrant such a request. The other person said that they just wanted to be alone.
I’m usually not a big chatter unless there is someone else in the room I know, so I said “Sorry, but I feel no reason to leave as I am here to play and I don’t think my presence will be disturbing to you since I don’t chat.” The other person then said “fine, I’m done here anyway.”
Before leaving they said they hate a certain type of people reflected in my screen name (which includes the name of a country) without knowing if I am, in fact, from that county. I responded that I am not from there, but have lived there a few times, and respect the people there. The person then left.
Afterwards, I was wondering I handled the situation correctly or not. I try not to be rude – my parents raised me to be polite, even if i don’t chat much or respond much to the chat online, and I just felt that perhaps I didn’t do the best on this today.
Thanks
Trying Not to Be Rude
| Dear Trying Not to Be Rude,
Hats off to you for doing your best to practice manners in every situation. It’s not always easy to be polite in instances of impoliteness. You hit “Play Now” and ended up in a room occupied by someone who felt that he or she should be given total privacy. You politely explained the truth of the matter – he or she shouldn’t expect privacy, and furthermore, that you would not be likely to bother them with chat anyway. I recognize that some players enjoy having a room to themselves. However, asking another player to leave because “I was here first” is not only impolite, it’s a ridiculous request. If you had obliged, it would likely be only a few minutes before another person ended up in that room, and he or she’d have to make the same unreasonable request. You might have suggested that this person turn the chat off, which would give him or her a chat free game. Of course, Bingo Luau is a social game, so there’s no ability to be completely alone, and the social elements of the game would continue. Still, the problem belongs to the player. He or she has unrealistic expectations of privacy and making such requests will only lead to conflict. You were right to offer an explanation and to hold your ground. It’s unfortunate that the player chose to engage in what sounds like it might have been hate speech. You could have filed an abuse report. Polite people sometimes do feel like we’re not being well-mannered when we are faced with impolite demands and are forced to stand up for ourselves. Not to worry, you’re given a little lee way anyway since you’re taken off guard by such requests, but it sounds like you handled the situation like a pro. |
Dear Ms. Netiquette,
I am very grateful for your great column and your wonderful answers to some really good and tough questions.
Presently I am having a lot of emotional problems and I come to Pogo to play games to get my mind off of a lot what is going on in my life. I was invited to play a game a few days ago, only to have the person sign out all of a sudden to go and play/chat with someone else. This person was the one who invited me to play the game, and I was willing to play the game in order to get my mind off of a lot that was bringing me down.
Why don’t people realize how rude this is? If I invite someone, I’m not going to disappear because someone signed in and if it was an emergency, I would at least give a warning other than just signing out and leaving them sitting there wondering what had happened.
Really Upset Pogo Player
| Dear Really Upset Pogo Player,
Obviously, you experienced an act of great impoliteness. However, my guess is that the other player would feel horrible to know that she’d caused you such upset. My guess is that she has grown “used to” the jumping in and out of games that a good number of players engage in and didn’t even think to mention that she was leaving this game to join a friend in another. I won’t really defend her actions, other than to say that she did not have any idea about what else is happening in your life, and had she known, would probably have behaved differently. But that’s all the understanding she’ll get from me. She engaged in poor sportsmanship. It’s rude and insensitive and it’s behavior unbecoming to those who have an appreciation for games. It only takes about ten or so seconds to say: “I’m sorry, my friend just signed on, and I’ve promised a game to him/her. Thank you for playing.” To just leave in the midst of a game – one that was initiated by this person – to join another one is just plain rude. Now, I will say, there are times when players get disconnected to the Internet, or a pet or child is having an emergency, or they’re on their break at work when their boss gives them a “drop everything” request. There are good reasons why players may drop out of a game. This case, however, there is no good reason. Your letter serves as a reminder to us all that taking the extra step of politeness isn’t only the right thing to do, it can make a big difference in someone’s life. |
Dear Ms. Nettie,
Your suggestion about adding one’s slow-typing condition in their profile was a good one, but most people probably wouldn’t check out a slow typist’s profile before coming to an erroneous conclusion that they’re being ignored while the slow typist is desperately trying to respond as fast as possible, just to avoid that very situation.
I’m not physically or mentally challenged, but I, too, am a slow typist who uses the two-fingered, hunt-and-peck method of typing and I, too, have had people leave the room while I was in the middle of typing a response to them. It’s frustrating to waste all that laborious hunting and pecking when they didn’t even wait around to read my reply.
I knew that the only way to alter their behavior would be to tell them, at the very beginning, that I’m a slow typist (and then hope they don’t slam the door in my face while I’m talking to them). So, in response to what they’ve said or asked, I say, “Please read slow because I type slow”. After I post that statement, I then proceed to type my reply to them. I now know that they’re waiting for me because they’re laughing, probably figuring it’s worth the wait just to see if my humor will continue… and it does.
Turtle Typer
| Dear Turtle Typer,
What a clever way to preemptively avoid a problem! Sometimes having a sense of humor about whatever it is that could potentially cause friction can make the difference between a fun interaction and one not-so-fun. I applaud your approach, and encourage others to adopt it. Truly, I can’t promote the idea of using humor to deal with silly issues enough. Often a joke or a funny statement brings reason into a potentially tense situation and it reminds everyone that we’re all on the planet together, and while we may not agree on whatever the issues are, we can still laugh together. |
