Redeem your 
Dear Ms. Netiquette,
Could you please give me some sage words of wisdom on how to deal with “room cliques”? I have favorite rooms for most of the games I play. However, there is one room that has a league. I used to be a Tourney Director for Case’s on a different game source so leagues are ok by me. But I’ve never had this kind of problem. In the league I was involved in, the Terms of Service were STRICTLY enforced.
There are a good number of these league folks that gang up when other non-league members of Pogo come into the room and try to contribute to public chat while playing. The people in the clique are rude, make derogatory comments, are ill mannered and just downright mean.
I’ve watched this clique warn non-league members to be careful, watched as they threaten non-league members with putting them on “the list”, verbally berate and name call other non-league Pogo members names while using more than “mild” swearing. I have reported this each time I’ve witnessed it. I don’t want to be “big sister”, but I don’t know what else to do.
I was subjected to an attack from this gang myself the other night. I was taken aback, appalled and worse by the treatment. It’s not right that this sort of behavior goes on night after night even after it has been reported. I shouldn’t have to leave a favorite room because the league clique doesn’t think you should be in their particular room. It’s not a tourney room, it’s a public Club Pogo room. Any suggestions on how to remedy this horrible situation?
Thank you for any help and wise words you may have.
Appalled Player
| Dear Appalled Player,
Sage words calls for sage tea, but I don’t really care for sage tea, so we’ll have to make do with “minty words!” Hopefully you’ll at least find that refreshing! It sounds like you’re doing everything right, except for one thing. You need to set your expectation to “realistic” when dealing with these situations. Reporting Terms of Service violations is a great first step. It informs our Customer Experience representatives that violations are occurring and it allows them to take the appropriate action. However, the wheels of justice are usually pretty slow, and alas, that can be true on Pogo as well. Once you’ve reported the abuse, then you really have to just let go and let Pogo’s representatives take care of it. You may not see any action taken during your online session, but every report is processed, and those who violate the Terms of Service will find that there are consequences to their actions.Everyone who signs up for Pogo agrees to follow our Terms of Service, and there are no exceptions for league members. They, too, must follow the rules. So, what do you do to deal with the situation? First off – set your expectations to “realistic”. Recognize what you can and cannot do and what each of those means. You can recognize that abuse is taking place and you can report it. You cannot stop people from being abusive on Pogo, and you can’t stop these same ne’er-do-wells from being abusive to others. However, you can reach out to those who are being abused to support them. Simply whispering to abused players with something like “Hang in there – I’ve reported the abusers” let’s them know that there are others looking out for them. It can go a long way! Also, understand that with any social site, like Pogo, you’re going to have a mixed community. There are, thankfully, a majority of players who are friendly and nice. But, Pogo also has it’s share of those who are out to cause trouble. And the best thing you can do is to “report and ignore”. Report the abuse, then ignore the abuser. Because these folks are only attention. The more they get, the more successful they feel. Don’t give them that pleasure. And finally, rethink your opposition to finding a new room. While you may currently have a favorite, once that room gets “invaded”, it’s no longer fun for you. Rather than holding your ground about your right to be in that room, you will likely find yourself a whole lot happier finding another room where these behavior doesn’t exist. People will say “But Nettie, you’re advising them to just let the ne’er-do-wells win!” and on some level, they may be right, but while we go into the rooms to play games, the rooms themselves are not games that can be won or lost. You’re simply doing what you can to improve your experience. And the fact of the matter is that you’re probably going to be a lot happier in another room where you don’t have to deal with this sort of behavior. |
Dear Ms. Netiquette
When in Canasta, I almost always play against the bot. I’m just too shy to play with other players much.
Well, the other day, I got up the courage to set up an open table and announced the table number and set-up in the lobby. Right away, someone responded saying that the way that I set up the game was “stupid”. I felt hurt, and my fear of playing with others was only confirmed after that.
But someone else entered the conversation and said that there’s no stupid way to play Canasta. I didn’t thank them at the time and don’t remember their screen name, so this is my thanks. Because of their kindness, I’m a little less scared of opening up my table to other players.
Shy And Thankful
| Dear Shy and Thankful,
What a lovely letter. It’s so very easy to feel attacked when someone makes a negative comment about something you’ve done. It’s deflating and hurtful, and so completely unnecessary. While that person may have not liked the options you set for the table, there are lots of people out there who would like it. It’s very childish for an adult to make negative comments about the way someone sets up a game. If you don’t like it, don’t play it. I’m sorry that this person was successful in making you feel bad. One can only imagine how that person feels about him or herself. The best part of your letter is that someone went out of their way to be nice and to encourage you to set the game up the way that you would like. Look what a difference it made for you! I hope that your letter spurs us all to speak up in defense of others similarly. We never know how much our words can heal! |
Hi Nettie,
It’s Dr. T again. Thanks for publishing my note a few weeks ago. This is a follow-up.
I do apologize for not specifically differentiating between mental illnesses (like schizophrenia) and developmental disorders (such as autism and Asperger’s). I was concentrating on keeping things brief and helpful, and I felt like if I included a long paragraph about the differences between mental illness and developmental disorders, I was just going to lose people’s attention.
You were definitely one of the people who latched onto my main point – which you correctly summarized as “you don’t know what’s going on in the mind of another person, so it’s not worth getting into an online argument about it.” I wrote the original note after reading post after post where some poor player was really upset about wild accusations, or what they saw as deliberate rudeness.
I used some particular conditions as examples, in an attempt to try to be helpful. They were just examples. No, not every person who accuses you of stealing their mini idea is psychotic, and no, not every person who neglects to say “ty” to 20 people saying “gg” is an Aspie!
As for my credentials, yes, I have a Ph.D, in psychology. I used to work as a therapist; now I work in research. Nettie, you can Google my first and last names as they appear in this email name, along with the words “mental health”, and see a list of some of my articles and publications. (Just don’t share my real name with everyone on Pogo, please!)
Again, I apologize to anyone who was offended, and hope that the original note was helpful to at least some of your readers.
Sincerely,
Dr. T
| Dear Dr. T,
Thank you so much for circling back and giving us a bit more information. I do feel that a few folks got caught up a bit in assuming that you were painting all Pogo acts of rudeness with a few simple strokes, and while I do think I should have done a better job of affirming what you meant, I also think most people recognized your base message.The bottom line is that you never really do know what’s going on in the mind of the person who’s causing the trouble. They could have a mental illness, they could be having a really bad day, or they could just be meanie-bo-beanies. And in most cases, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it anyway, so your best bet is to take care of yourself and your experience and either ignore the behavior or report it if there are Terms of Service violations. |
